An Open Letter to the Eastern European Caricature at My International Gym

Dear Fellow Gym User,

Please accept my sincere congratulations on becoming a member of this gym.  I think you will enjoy your time here.  The facilities really are second to none.  I am certain you will come to appreciate the abundance of clean towels in the locker room and the varied selections at the juice bar.

Now that we are on friendly terms, I hope you will forgive me if I admit that originally I had hoped you were just a hotel guest.  This is, after all, a hotel gym and plenty of people are here only for a few days and then they disappear never to been seen again.  So that first morning when you showed up, monopolizing several machines at once, I was hopeful that you were just passing through.  Normally, I try not to notice other gym patrons.  I try to concentrate on my workout with as little social interaction as possible.  But you managed to force me out of my routine.  From the moment you arrived on the scene my time at the gym was forever changed.

That unitard you were wearing was definitely a bold choice.  I have seen many things here in China, but a large Eastern European man in a tiny unitard is a first.  I was half expecting to see some amateur wresting break out on the mats over by the punching bags.  Imagine my disappointment when you merely paced around while the rest of us made use of the treadmills.  It takes cajones to pull that look off.  And you certainly have those.  That was difficult to ignore.  That outfit was tight.  And while I know there are many things in this country that involve extra services and hidden meanings, this is not a “gym” in the way that many of the places you might have recently visited might be “massage parlors.”  So those two beautiful Chinese girls?  Yeah, they are actually trying to work out.  I don’t think they were hoping you would come over to watch the trainer put them through their paces.  And the grunting?  You weren’t even exercising!   That was truly unnecessary.  But, to each his own!  I hope you didn’t catch the particularly sour look I shot you from over by the elliptical machines.  We didn’t know each other then and I had not yet come to understand your special charms.

After that performance, I wasn’t expecting to have you turn up the next morning with an even more impressive outfit!  That tracksuit was a thing of beauty—shiny and tight with elastic at both the wrists and the ankles.  Amazing, really.  Was it waterproof?  It was the kind of thing only Borat would wear, but there you were, rocking that outfit like no one’s business.  I was hoping you might actually work out.  There are weights here, you know.  You could lift some, if the mood struck you.  Or you could take a class.  I hear spinning is popular here.  Just a suggestion.  It might help with some of what I can only assume is an excess of pent up energy.  Or a serious mental disorder.  Why else would you have ignored all those fancy machines in favor of standing in that corner panting and sweating?  Yes, I noticed you had fixated on some more of those lovely Chinese ladies.  They do seem to be everywhere here!  Of course, they didn’t give you the opportunity to introduce yourself, what with all that exercising they were doing!  But don’t worry!  With your new gym membership you will have plenty of chances to bond with them over by the water dispenser.

So let me just close by welcoming you once again.  Asia is always in need of more men making confident fashion choices in unexpected places.  You are certainly a trendsetter in that area.  While I have been less than impressed with your exercise regimen, there are plenty of trainers here that can help you with that!  Just make an appointment.  And I am sure those ladies you fancy will soon come around to your unique way of presenting yourself.  How will they be able to resist your bravado?  Your steely gaze?  Your sweaty but silent advances?  If you keep coming back, again and again, eventually they will get used to you.  I am certain the same will be true for me.  I am positive it is only a matter of time before you and I become fast friends.

Yours in fitness,

Gwen

 

1 thought on “An Open Letter to the Eastern European Caricature at My International Gym

  1. Oh. My. God. That guy sounds awesome and horrible at the same time. At least he adds some spice to your workout sessions. It cannot be possible that he was wearing a tracksuit with elastic around the wrists AND ankles. That even beats out Scott’s brown velour tracksuit circa Thanksgiving 2008, which, as you may recall, Bosco was quite taken with. I look forward to hearing more about this guy and his “workouts”.

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